Though I can be deadly serious about things that I am passionate about, more often than not you'll find me saying or doing something just a little bit ridiculous - putting on a weird voice or acting out a character of my own devising, using terrible groan-worthy puns, or making up random songs about my current situation. I say and do ridiculous things when I'm with my friends, family, and peers, but I'll also say and do ridiculous things in public, among superiors, and even sometimes in professional situations. This is just a part of who I am. I value silliness and do not deem it to be mutually exclusive to professionalism and hard work. In fact, I find silliness to be essential to hard work. I need to inject a little silliness into my day to day life to keep me sane and to keep me energized when I've been slogging away at a project for hours at a time.
me playing with bubbles on my 25th birthday+
I love being silly just because it is intrinsically gratifying. Being silly is fun and I think that fun is one of the most important things in life. Being ridiculous and yes, childish at times, helps remind me not to take things too seriously, to lighten up about my apparent problems, and to remember that things are never as grave as they seem in comparison to the plights of others.
I also love being silly because sometimes it makes other people laugh. I love making other people laugh. I crave it like a drug. There are fewer things more gratifying in this world than reducing a room to laughter. I will, without fail, try and strike out with jokes nine times out of ten, but it's that one time when I can get a room laughing that makes me keep trying.
Humour also happens to be something that I find very attractive in other people. I say humour but more specifically I mean wit, the characteristic of being both clever and funny at the same time. Now, don't get me wrong, I love silliness for the sake of silliness - no cleverness required. But there's something about wittiness that I just adore. It's something that I try desperately to cultivate in myself, because I know how much I love a witty person, and I want to be that loveable too, dammit.
I have begun to realize that my joy in making others laugh stems largely from a need for love and acceptance from others. When others laugh at one of my jokes, it's like they're saying, "We hear you, we like you, we care about you." This is so important to me. I was bullied as a child (as so many of us were) and humour became my way of attracting friends. I was overweight, awkward, and felt like an outsider as a preteen. I had some serious issues with my sense of self worth and it manifested in destructive ways. In my gradeschool class of peers who (in my eyes) were all incredibly intelligent or beautiful or athletic or artistic or what have you, I sought to create a unique identity for myself through humour.
After Robin Williams killed himself last year a slew of articles emerged about how those who are the funniest are often the saddest*. While research on the topic is still in its fledgling state, anecdotal evidence seems to lend truth to this notion. Just look at all of the comedians and funny people out there who have dealt with mental health issues and addiction. Perhaps these people use humour to secure the love and affection of others, just like I do.
I realize that I may rub a lot of people the wrong way. I've gotten feedback in the past that I'm a bit 'intense'. But this is who I am. I am ridiculous. I am silly. I try to be witty when I can. I try to make others laugh. Whether it's borne out of a need for love and affection or stems from the intrinsic value of making others feel light, if only for a moment, this is as much a part of me as any negative feelings ever were or ever are.
Thank you all for putting up with me. I hope I can make you laugh someday.
+ Photo Courtesy of Mel Althouse
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