failed meditation while watching a fire

I stared too long at the fire and now, looking up,
the stars are dimmer

I burned the map and watched as the ashes rose
and got caught in the trees

An idea begins to form inside me:
(and we're all just fucking swirling matter, and it doesn't matter at all)
But before I can grasp it, it's gone
Gone to ashes in my hands
Burning through my palms

With new holes to see through
I hold my hands up to my eyes
And for an instant I am calm
I feel, for one second, an inner stillness

(I watch the fire die, every last ember
And still there is so much more to burn)

Grasping at a moment of clarity
Trying to focus on the way the embers seem to breathe
Like they're alive
Like a lung

I try so hard to clear my mind
To feel only the breath on my lips
and in my lungs

Absolute clarity, so close
Absolute calm, a breath away

But I am clouded

I am indistinct