My year-long psychological experiment on myself

People have mixed feelings about New Year's resolutions. Some people swear by them, others say that it's less likely that you will actually follow through on them compared to other goals, for various reasons. Maybe you feel too much pressure. Maybe you're not actually ready to make that drastic of a change. Maybe it's because by sharing goals publicly and being acknowledged for it, you reap the benefits of the reward-induced dopamine rush without actually having to put any work in, and are therefore less likely to follow through.

I actually have a pretty decent track record with New Year's Resolutions (if two instances constitute a track record, which, now that I think of it, probably don't). I quit cigarettes one year, which as far as resolutions goes, is a tough one to beat. 

This past year I think I did alright, though. 

The point of resolutions is to manifest significant change in one's life. Whether resolutions focus on a specific activity (eg. getting back into fitness) or constitute more of a lifestyle change (eg. working on my confidence), they're targeted towards creating significant change through one specific assertion or idea. It helps make making change more digestible, more actualizable. 

Goals that are related to specific activities are probably much easier to follow than ones that target lifestyle changes. As someone who went into this year seeking a bit of a lifestyle change, I figured that in order to make it happen, I needed to whittle down my desire for a lifestyle change into one super-easy-to-stick-with, specific activity. 

Truthfully, I went into this year feeling a little hard done by. In short, I felt that I was being duped by life, in a way. There were so many things I wanted to get into or devote more time towards, and I felt I had no time in which to do so. This was probably compounded by being still a bit swept up in the whole culture of interpreting being overwhelmed as a badge of honour. I kept thinking, "I want to do these things, but I don't have enough time."

But as soon as I had that thought, the thought that inevitably followed was, "Well, there are 24 hours in a day. You're just not spending your time the way you want to." That led to, "You are not making these things a priority (over things like work, socializing, being on the internet, etc.)." 

The more I thought about this, the less comfortably it sat with me. "I'm not making it a priority." How can I want to make something a priority, and not be making it a priority? Either I want to make it a priority, and I do, or I want to make it a priority, I don't, and then I shut up about it. I thought, if I was going to try to make a change in my life such that I ended up spending my time better, saying "I'm not making this really important thing a priority" instead of "I don't have time for this really important thing" would maybe do the trick. It was a simple enough exchange. 

So, I decided that for the entire year of 2018, I was not to say, "I don't have time." Instead, I had to say, "I'm not making it a priority." 

Easy enough, right?

At first it was actually really fucking difficult. I kept catching myself with the words "Not enough time" on my teeth, biting it back at the last second. At first, I couldn't control the way my thoughts ran. My thoughts still said, "But that's BS, I really don't have enough time, life is unfair, I should be able to devote more time to blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc." I had to outwardly grit my teeth and say, against all inner instinct, "I'm not making X a priority." 

Learning a new language? 
Improving my music skills? 
Meditation and mindfulness?
Writing more songs?
Journaling?

Not making it a priority. 

As you can probably tell, it did not feel good to say that about things I wanted to be a priority in my life. 

Sometimes I even tried to cheat, by saying things like "I am not able to make it a priority." But I always caught myself and back-pedalled, because the "I'm not able" still made me seem and feel like a victim of circumstance. I would walk it back and say "No, actually, that's not true. Here's what I meant to say..."

Little by little, the content of my thinking started to change. I can't really explain it. But basically, eventually that sense of being wronged and of annoyance that accompanied that phrase instead became anger, which became despair, which became determination to change. There were probably a few other stages in there but I can't pin down what they were.

With that simple change in language, over time, I was able to flip the intent behind my thoughts.  

I should add that at the same time, I was doing another simple activity that aligned with my resolution and probably helped me a lot as well. My awesome roomie Carina got me a big mug for Xmas 2017 with "2018 Moments" written on it, and she encouraged me to just write down little day-to-day memories and put them in the mug over the course of the year. (She had done this the two years previous and then dumped them all out at the beginning of the following year to review and remember.) This helped me be more cognizant of more of the times in my life that I felt were memorable and worthwhile, and not just focus on what I felt I was missing out on. 

I was also starting to listen to a lot of positive music at the time as well. Stuff that made me feel amazing, stuff that was a joy to listen to though headphones while walking down the street. Songs that would make me break out into a smile, that put a bounce in my step, that made me silently mouth the lyrics, whistle a phrase, or get lost in an incredible groove. (For some of my 2018 favourites, check out this, this, this, and this.) Carina has a whiteboard up near our front door, so I would often also write inspiring and smile-inducing lyrics that added one extra boost to my day on my way out the door in the morning.    

                                                                                                                                    
I also finally decided to make use of my Line-a-Day Journal that my cousin Danielle got me years ago, and commit to writing one goddamn line a day about what happened that day. (How much more manageable can you get?)

And little by little, I started to feel differently about things. I started to look at time differently. I started to spend my time differently. I got back into stuff that I was neglecting. I started making concrete steps towards a major life change that I'd only pined about previously. 

In short, it's been a good year. 

This isn't to make it seem that everything is now perfect. There is still so much I want to work on and still many more steps I need to take. And that's also not to say that everyone who tries these methods will be able to make the change they are seeking. But I wanted to share this little experiment that I did on myself because:

1) I have found it to be effective, and 
2) I found it to be super manageable. 

I am a big believer in neuroplasticity and cognitive reframing - the power of the brain to rewire itself and change its own thinking patterns, respectively. I have in the past found CBT to be effective in helping me change destructive thinking patterns. I also witness its effectiveness in the clinical work I do with others. It takes commitment, and it feels so forced and downright wrong at first, but I have found that if you stick to a small, manageable change, just commit to it with the knowledge that these methods do work, you can make remarkable changes with simple changes. 

Sorry for getting all After School Special on y'all. 

Anyways, I'm going to continue with all of the above for this year. Haven't come up with a resolution but I have some pretty big goals for this year. 

Thanks for reading! Hope you're able to take something from this, and I hope that you're able to move forward in whatever way makes sense to you in the years to come.