This is about grammar.
Well, not really. It’s about the difference between the Being Mode and the Having Mode - two different modes of existing in the world that lead to very different ways of thinking about ourselves, other people, and the world. I'm going to talk about the difference between these two modes and how a confusion between the two can lead to everything from existential anxiety to addiction to mental illness.
In his 1976 book, To Have or to Be?, Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm argues that fulfillment comes from focusing on the mode of being, rather than having. The mode of ‘being’ is oriented towards development of character and identity and being in the world. By contrast, the having mode is oriented towards domination of nature, material possessions, and the promise of infinite consumption. He argues that modern materialism has led to a society that seeks out "having" things rather than "being."
His interpretation is that this started at the advent of the industrial age in the mid 1700s. This is when the myth of infinite production and consumption started. People started to believe that maximum pleasure through the maximum attainment of goods was possible. But of course, the myth of infinite production and consumption is just that - a myth. The old adage, “You can’t take it with you when you go,” refers to the fact that after death none of us can take any of our material possessions with us. Even though we know this conceptually, we still try to address our yearning for being something by having things. He argues that a reorientation to the Being mode is a way forward out of the existential anxiety that is characterized by the knowledge of the futility of the having mode.
We also see the distinction between the Having and Being Modes in Buddhism. In his book Alone With Others, an Existential Approach to Buddhism, Steven Bachelor talks about this difference between the Have Mode and the Be Mode. Batchelor writes, "These two dimensions reveal two different attitudes towards life. In terms of having, life is experienced as a horizontal expanse precipitating towards ever receding horizons; in terms of being life is felt in its vertical depths as being awesome, foreboding and silently mysterious. Nowadays, the tendency to be preoccupied with having, at the expense of losing touch with the dimension of being, is becoming ever more pronounced."
He goes onto describe that the purpose of the Dharma, or Buddhist teaching, is to put us back in touch with the Being Mode. The story goes that Siddhartha was prophesized to either be a great king or a great religious leader. Siddhartha’s father, wanting his son to be a ruler, strove to eliminate all areas of hardship and friction in his son’s life, with the hope that this would prevent him from having any of the compassionate revelatory experiences that could lead his son to the life of a religious. Siddhartha lived his life in a palace with his every whim met. He never wanted for anything - he had everything his heart could desire.
The story continues with Siddhartha and his driver Channa entering into the town one day, where Siddhartha sees for the first time an elderly man, a sick man, and a dead man. Never having encountered these acute representations of mortality before, Siddhartha is perplexed. Channa goes on to explain that everyone gets old, everyone gets sick, and in the end, everyone dies. Siddhartha understandably feels the world falling out from underneath him. Despite all of the opulence and extravagance of his life in the palace, he, too, will face aging, sickness, and death. On his way back to the palace, he sees a religious mendicant - a man who has renounced all aspects of material life for the purpose of spiritual fulfillment. The peace in the man’s eyes presents a stark contrast to the existential storm raging in the young prince. It is the witnessing of these four signs - the old man, the sick man, the dead man, and the mendicant - that cause a shift in Siddhartha so seismic that he renounces his palatial life and sets off on a journey to find enlightenment. Siddhartha's story of renunciation, in which he leaves his opulent palatial life to pursue the life of a religious mendicant, is the ultimate allegory for turning away from the having mode and trying to immerse oneself in the being mode. If you're interested in learning more about this interpretation of the Renunciation, I highly recommend John Vervaeke's mindblowing Youtube series Awakening from the Meaning Crisis.
In Buddhism is the figure of the Hungry Ghost is prominent. While in this system of belief, all people become ghosts after they die and then later fade out of existence, a hungry ghost is a special case. A hungry ghost is the ghost of someone who had evil intent or bad deeds in life. The hungry host has an insatiable appetite that can never be satisfied. In Buddhism, the story of the hungry ghost is an allegory for people who are consumed with desire and live a spiritually bereft lifestyle, someone who has strayed from the Be Mode into the realm of absolute Having.
In his book Siddhartha’s Brain, James Kingsland uses the hungry ghost to explain how in addiction, we become increasingly habituated to pleasure-inducing stimuli until we need more and more of the stimuli to feel anything at all. This has to do with the dopaminergic reward system in the brain. He writes, “The reward circuit in our brain gives us the conviction that more will always be better - and yet we are never satisfied for long. We are on a ‘hedonic treadmill’, when the novelty of any experience wears off and the kick we get from it subsides. The treadmill speeds up so we have to run faster, consuming more or having to find different sources of pleasure just to stay in the same place.
Dr. Gabor Mate also uses the hungry ghost analogy to describe his experience working closely with people with substance use disorders in East Vancouver. He makes an argument that rather than being a genetic disease or moral failing, addiction is best characterized as human development that has gone off the rails. He argues that the hungry ghost metaphor is an apt one, as addicts constantly seek something outside of themselves in order to fill an insatiable need for fulfillment. This insatiable need is created when as children we are subjected to unsafe environments and other conditions that are not conducive to healthy development. Furthermore, he argues that the extreme examples in his book are just stories of people who exist on one end of a continuum that we all occupy. He writes, "I believe there is one addiction process, whether it is manifested in the lethal substance dependencies of my patients; the frantic self-soothing of overeaters or shopaholics the obsessions of gamblers, sexaholics, and compulsive internet users; or the socially acceptable and even admired behaviours of the workaholic." All of us have a tendency to fill the hole inside of us with quick fixes - whether it's a hit of heroin or a like on social media.
Other traditions have alluded to this formulation of human experience as being bound up in either having or being. Anishnaabe botanist Robin Wall-Kimmerer in her book Braiding Sweetgrass tells us the legend of the Windigo, a figure who features prominently in the histories of many Indigenous groups across North America. The Windigo is one of those tales used to teach young children morality and conduct.
She writes, "The Windigo is the legendary monster of our Anishinaabe people, the villain of a tale told on freezing nights in the north woods. You can feel it lurking behind you, a being in the shape of an outsized man, ten feet tall, with frost-white hair hanging from its shaking body. With arms like tree trunks, feet as big as snow-shoes, it travels easily through the blizzards of the hungry time, stalking us. The hideous stench of its carrion breath poisons the clean scent of snow as it pants behind us. Yellow fangs hang from its mouth that is raw where it has chewed off its lips from hunger. Most telling of all, its heart is made of ice....This monster is no bear or howling wolf, no natural beast. Windigos are not born, they are made. The Windigo is a human being who has become a cannibal monster. Its bite will transform victims into cannibals too....It is said that the Windigo will never enter the spirit world but will suffer the eternal pain of need, its essence a hunger that will never be sated. The more a Windigo eats, the more ravenous it becomes. Consumed by consumption, it lays waste to humankind." Kimmerer explains that the story of the Windigo is used to teach people, especially young ones, about one of the most important tenets in Indigenous ways of knowing: Take no more than you need, never take the last of something, and always honour and pay tribute to what you've taken. This is especially important during winter when times are lean.
The Windigo, the very monstrous embodiment of the Having mode, lives in all of us. He is after all, a man. She writes, "A windigo was a human whose selfishness has overpowered their self-control to the point where satisfaction is no longer possible." She makes an argument in her book that getting in touch with Indigenous ways of knowing, honoring the idea of human participation in the natural world, the importance of reciprocity and respect for the land and all of its inhabitants, is an actionable way of recognizing our over-consumptive nature and building a better relationship with the world. I would go further and argue that her argument maps well onto a suggestion for recognizing and challenging the Having Mode and turning more towards the Being Mode.
The distinction between the Have and the Be mode can be a helpful way of not only characterizing addiction, but all mental illness. Going back to Erich Fromm, he argues that placing the nexus of mental illness as being solely centred in the individual is foolhardy. Rather, societal structure plays a massive role in whether we can be mentally well. And, as we live in a society that is obsessed with Having and largely ignores Being, this is not very conducive to mental wellbeing.
Take advertising for example. Rarely do advertisements actually advertise the product they are selling. They are not selling a thing, they are selling an experience. They know that we're experience-oriented beings, but processes are harder to get at, and a hell of a lot harder to sell. So they disguise products as processes. You're not buying the makeup, you're buying the self confidence that the model exudes when that handsome man gives her the eye. You're not buying the car, you're buying the winding miles of driving down empty coastal highway. You're not buying the shirt, you're buying the approval, regard, and envy of your peers. Products disguised as processes. Have disguised as be. So we try to fill this process-shaped hole inside of ourselves with products. And when that doesn't work, what do we do? Buy more products, of course.
So given that we live in a society that not only ignores Being but erroneously tells us that seeking Having will satisfy our being, what the hell do we do?
Well, in my view, the first step is to be aware of when we are conflating having and being.
Having is not all bad. We need to have things. That too, is part of human nature. But what's damaging to us is when we confuse one for the other. This can be as simple as being more media literate and really asking ourselves why we feel we need a particular item or object. This can also involve reflecting on our sense of dissatisfaction and where it is really stemming from.
The tough part about this, is that focusing on the Being mode leads to some of life's toughest existential questions. Batchelor writes: "What is life? How are the potentials of life to be actualized? What is the purpose and meaning of life? These are all questions that gradually formulate themselves in this unstructured region which is slowly disclosing itself to us. They may not, of course, find such explicit expression; they may be felt as a vague but deep anxiety, a sense of disorientation, or a lack of purpose and direction." I mean, did I write this? Did you? How relatable.
So what do we do? Well, I of course do not have the answers to this. Sorry.
But, I have some suggestions from scientific and spiritual literature as well as my own experience.
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1. Meditation
The root of meditative practices like mindfulness and contemplation is to put us in touch with the being mode. In mindfulness, we land in our bodies and watch our breath. When our mind starts to inevitably wander on to everything we need to do and obtain, we gently but firmly bring our minds back to being here, now. This helps us remember that we are alive, here, now, in this world. Contemplations on things like the impermanent nature of everything in the world help us really get in touch with what is important in our lives.
2. Nature and Indigenous Ontologies
Nothing reminds you more of Being in the world than being in nature. It reminds us that we are animals, that we are connected with the natural world in an intimate way. Many Indigenous groups understood this connection and it was foundational in their understanding of the world. Due to the colonization these views have been lost to non-Indigenous understanding. But we have a lot to learn from Indigenous ontologies and how viewing ourselves as connected to the natural world can help us feel more at home in the world.
3. Flow states
Flow has been characterized by Mihaly Czickmentlahyicharacterized as Optimal Experience. It's a state of being in which your skills and capabilities *just* match the demands of a challenging and rapidly changing environment. It's a universal experience - people the world over, regardless of location, ethnicity, gender, age, experience Flow and characterize it very similarly. It involves feeling very in touch with your task and the environment in an intimate way. It involves losing your sense of ego or the narrative 'I'. It involves being challenged and forced to extend your capabilities. It involves very rapid error feedback.
4. Connection and community
This is an inherent part of human nature - we crave social connection and community. I won’t say too much about this here, because I would like to explore this more in depth in the future. But finding connection and building and/or being part of a community is an excellent, concrete way to dwell more in Being.
5. Philosophical friendships
This relates to the point above, but goes a little bit deeper. What kind of relationships are we to have if we want to reorient ourselves more to towards the Being mode? Epictetus, a stoic philosopher from second century CE was a proponent of developing friendships and communities that were dedicated towards exploring these “have vs be -y” kind of questions.
6. Practice letting go of objects
Another practice from Stoic philosophy involves meditating on the impermanence of physical objects. Everything from a favourite mug (which you would be encouraged to develop an attachment to, and then smash) to our loved ones (who we must remember as impermanent), to even one's own life or health. While these are pretty extreme examples, it does us good, I think, to remember that nothing in this world is permanent. No amount of having could ever touch the importance of being.
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So, those are just some concrete ideas on how to shift from the Have Mode to the Be Mode. Therapists and trusted supporters can also be helpful resources in helping you reorient. I am not an expert in this and it's something I grapple with every day. But dialogue and reflection is a part of this process.
