Passion vs. Addiction - thoughts on socially sanctioned obsession

The word passion, in the Romantic sense (and not romantic as in flowers and chocolates, but Romantic as in moodiness, demons, and emotion over reason), refers to an all-consuming feeling; being overwhelmed. There is a self-destructive edge to the word, which itself sounds so much like the bite of a knife blade or the hiss of an igniting fire.

Passion. 

In colloquial terms, we often characterize passion in a much more banal and pale sense. We talk about passion as being synonymous with love or even affinity. But passion is so much more than this. Passion contorts. Passion harms. Passion consumes like fire with a brightness that eclipses reason and forethought.

And yet, passion is sanctioned, even celebrated, in society. We yearn for it. We try our best to cultivate it. We describe the leaders in any field as having passion, and often view it as a requisite for success.

What is the difference between passion and addiction?

Like passion, addiction consumes. Like passion, addiction can make people willingly harm themselves in order to go just that little bit deeper, to get that little bit closer. Dancers dance until their bodies break. Musicians lock themselves in rooms until their records are complete. Programmers spend every waking minute in front of too-bright computer screens, trying to solve problems no one has even considered formulating. Artists and scientists of all kinds push away the ones they love and alienate themselves, all in the name of their craft or work. And of course there is a physiological component to passion, a rush of endorphins and neurotransmitters, the body's endogenous psychoactives.

Perhaps the notion of passion as distinct from addiction comes from characterizing passion as something that someone can share with others. In this sharing, the object of passion becomes something beautiful. The suffering inherent in passion gains meaning that can be appreciated extrapersonally. The dancer performs his piece to a loving audience. The musician releases her album to the world, bearing her heart and soul in a way that would not otherwise be socially acceptable. The programmer creates a piece of technology so revolutionary that it will change the way of the world as we know it.

But the addict is alone, even when surrounded by peers, even when sharing his passion with others.

What is the object of passion for the addict? What is the end game of the addiction? Is there something to be performed, something to be released to the world? Something beautiful to behold after so much suffering?

Perhaps passion is object-directed addiction. The object of passion can be shared with the world, cathected, purged. Passion burns around the core until the final result is pure carbon, a diamond. But for the addict, the passion burns and burns until it burns everything away.

coping vs. complying: thoughts concerning social change

The term 'coping' is used to describe an individual's ability to deal with adverse situations. A 'coping mechanism' is often illustrated as being a knee-jerk reaction to an adverse event that has the unconscious intention of protecting an individual from harm. On the other hand, 'coping strategies' are often characterized as being a more thought-out and consciously implemented method of dealing with adverse situations. I myself use the term 'coping' all the time, often in the context of an individual's progress in fortifying themself against the challenges of every day life.

Developing coping skills is very important. There is a lot in life that we can't control and it is important to learn to cope and manage undesirable events that are beyond the sway of our actions.

It is obvious that there is quite a bit that is (ordinarily) beyond the sway of our actions. Examples include the death, illness, others' actions (i.e. bullying or criticism), or being fired from a job. Of course one could argue that one does have a certain amount of impact on the aforementioned life circumstances, but for the purposes of argument, let us consider extreme cases in which individual actions can do nothing to alter the course of events. So, to rephrase, it is obvious that there is quite a bit that is (ordinarily) beyond the sway of our actions, to a certain extent.

How much of what we label as 'beyond the sway of our actions' is properly characterized as such? In other words, when does coping stop and complacency begin?

To choose an example that is close to my heart: The state of popular media and the way that it dictates what the ideal standard of beauty is. If someone is physically disabled, older, dark-skinned, larger-bodied, hairy, or exhibiting of any other characteristic that isn't lauded as desirable in our world, should this person develop 'coping strategies' to deal with the fact that they don't compare to the standard of beauty?

Or another example: The fact that the world we live in is made for able-bodied individuals. If someone is physically disabled, should this person develop coping strategies to deal with the fact that the world is typically not made for them? Should they develop coping strategies to deal with the fact that a large part of cultural life will be inaccessible to them for the rest of their lives?

Or, should these people demand an alternative? Does coping in some instances mean complacency? Shouldn't we expect so much more from society? When is it appropriate to, rather than trying to fit oneself into a societal mold, break the mold entirely by refusing to try to fit in in the first place?

Of course, complacency is not always chosen - in such instances, coping is necessary. Furthermore, people in positions of privilege (based on gender, race, sexual orientation, ability, SES, etc.) have more freedom to be subversive and mold-breaky than their less privileged counterparts. However, people with less privilege are often the ones who are being forced to fit into a societal mold that does not contain a space for them, and they're often the ones who would benefit most from a mold-breaking in the first place. Hmmmm. Coincidence?

I am beginning to think that we are led to believe that there is more out our control than there actually is. I am beginning to think that we are being encouraged to cope in instances where smashing would be far more appropriate.

disability in a post-Darwinian world

In class the other day, we had an extremely interesting discussion surrounding notions of disability. We were speaking about the International Classification of Functioning, Disability, and Health (ICF) which was implemented by the World Health Organization. We discussed the implications of this new understanding of disability, particularly its implications for occupational therapists. The ICF characterizes the notion of disability as fluid. One's level of disability/ability is determined by one's functional ability, which is in turn determined by various factors, such as impairments, environment, and personal factors like resilience. A consequence of this model of thinking is that the notion of 'ability' is much more nuanced and dynamic than conventional black-and-white characterizations of 'abled' vs. 'disabled.'

This spurred a more general discussion about what it means to be 'disabled' vs 'abled'. The class seemed to agree that there is a spectrum of ability on which everyone occupies a space. This got me thinking about whether or not there is a dividing line between abled and disabled. If everyone is on a spectrum, does that not imply that there is no 'disabled' and no 'abled'? Is there no dividing line? I raised my hand in class and spoke up about my discomfort with that notion. 

I felt somewhat insensitive saying what I said, and disclaimed that fact before carrying on, and made sure to acknowledge my privilege as an able-bodied and cognitively-able person. I said that perhaps our notions of disability are based around notions of what a body is 'supposed' to be able to do, from an evolutionary standpoint. Another student picked up the discussion and added that, while she agreed, she felt that society has moved beyond the point where we mark wellness by what our bodies and minds are 'supposed' to be, from an evolutionary standpoint. I agreed with her, saying that I myself would not be around were it not for the advent of modern medical technology. I added that I believe we are in a post-Darwinian world, in which human evolution has come to incorporate technology, assistive devices, and medicine.

I believe that the notion of disability from a Darwinian standpoint still exists - as in, one is considered disabled if one's body or mind does not function in the way that a completely healthy individual's body or mind would function. However, given that we live in a world where assistive technology and medication is the norm, perhaps such a notion of disability is no longer appropriate. However, something inside of me still wants to classify disability in terms of comparing it to a completely healthy individual. But how many of us are actually completely healthy? Where does one draw the line? Does a line need to be drawn?

After that discussion our class had the opportunity to hear three individuals with varying disabilities speak about their experiences. I learned so much from their presentations. One of the presenters was asked about her specific diagnosis, and she answered the question, but first shared that she did not think it mattered. 

This is something that I will carry into my practice - in reality, it does not matter what someone's disability is on paper. What matters is their level of function and their ability to participate in meaningful activities and enjoy life. Rather than classifying people into categories of disabled vs. abled, perhaps we can think more in terms of one's ability to live a meaningful life. Perhaps the label of disabled vs. abled matters less than I thought it did. 

I welcome conversation/debate on this topic. I especially am interested in hearing the opinions of people who identify as disabled/differently-abled. 

don't fall asleep

So school is very busy. And it will only get busier. For the most part I am deeply enjoying what I am studying. And it is very invigorating to be around so many bright young people.

Everyone I talk to about the issue says that I am getting closer to achieving my dreams. They tell me to keep working hard and keep believing that I can. Yet I can't help but feel some days that I am inching my way forward at best. 

I have such lofty ambitions for myself. And there's always the eternal question: Could I be doing more? The eternal answer: Of course. You always could. You could study more. Read all of the 'suggested' readings as well as the 'required' readings. Sign up for more committees. Sacrifice your social life. Sleep less. 

Where do I draw the line? How do I know when to stop pushing myself? Does trying your best to reach your dreams account for any downtime? If I spend time relaxing does it mean I'm not trying my best? If not, what is the golden ratio of exertion and relaxation?

In other news, I was falling asleep in a writing workshop the other day (not due to lack of interest, just exhaustion, I have not been sleeping well) and I started writing a stream of consciousness piece to keep myself awake. It's unedited save for the line spacing. I thought I'd share it with you.

don't fall asleep don't fall asleep don't fall asleep

stream of consciousness stream of pen fume of mood room of blood
brood of humans the human few the human crew developed people out of womb 

from the womb to the tomb eyes awake to drink the gloom 

purple shroom blue moon i am crooning at the moon 

i am crying at the sky i am keeping open eyes pry them open with my mind

keep them open with the time time is flowing through my life 

i am sleeping in the sky i am snoring on the tide ocean waves inside my brain

footprints on a sandy spine sandy beach and golden wine laughter sunlight and the tide

breathing deeply in the sand keeping glass inside my hand

crushing sand to make it glass crushing memories of the past

frame the picture in your head name the creature in your bed

using pain to stay awake using shame to feel alive

using blame to dry my eyes using noise to bide my time

dropped in the deep end of a new life

Non sum qualis eram. 

I am not as I was.

I am very interested in questions concerning identity. Though I am clearly the same person I was a month ago, in many ways I am now a different person. My days are different, my thoughts are different, the stuff of my very life and mind are different. My way of looking at the world is different. I have always been somewhat unstable during periods of extreme change. However, I feel right now that I am riding this wave rather than being sucked down by it. Perhaps just riding the crest tremulously, but really, there is such a fine, dangerous line between the crest and the deep. And isn't that what makes the wave so exciting? 

I am (cautiously) optimistic about the years to come. Upon returning from my trip, I almost immediately started school, pursuing a Master of Science in Occupational Therapy at U of T. What a whirlwind of a life I lead. I am all too aware of the fact that I have not yet even completed my first week of school, so I am perfectly open to the fact that I may get sucked down by anxiety and despair at any moment. But right now I am just whelmed, and not over-. 

The program is certainly intense - not even the first week is over and the assignments are already rolling in, the profs doling them out with such a casual air. But I am surrounded by bright, vibrant individuals. My goodness, it is wonderful to be back in school. I enjoyed my jobs dearly over the past year, and have enjoyed the working world, but I have always loved school and am happy to be back in this environment. I am so excited to learn. I am most excited about my neuroscience and anatomy course, in which I will get to explore the mysteries of the brain in greater detail (including working with cadavers, albeit in a much more forthright manner than Michaelangelo did, sneaking into chapel morgues to dissect the dead). I will get to learn to assist people in getting back to the lives that they want to live by aiding them in gaining back their ability to participate in the activities that are meaningful to them. Each day I hear more about bright, innovative, and passionate people who love their work, here in Toronto and abroad. 

I wade into the waters of this optimism cautiously. This is foreign to me, one so usually so pessimistic in the name of self-preservation. I can't see below the surface and the ground may drop off below my feet at any given moment, but I trust myself to use all of my strength to keep myself afloat and hold my head above water. 

and then there are the nomads and the people who live in caves

People actually live like this. Holy hell.

I knew it as a concept but never before now had met these folks in the flesh. I spent last night in an amazing hostel in the hills overlooking the Alhambra in Grenada. It was incredible. Not just because of the view and the general fact that I was there, but also because 90% of the folks who were staying at the hostel had been travelling for months on end with no end to their journey in sight, no 'home' or 'life to go back to.' Most busked, worked at hostels, or sold their wares to pay what little rent there was and buy beer, food, and other necessities. This is a life that can be lived.

I had the opportunity to quiz one young man about his life. He started travelling when he was 18, moved to Australia from the States, managed a restaurant, and in the past three years has been to Israel, Jordan, Greece, and now Spain, where he is working at the hostel I was staying at. Just, wild. When I asked him about his motivation, his reply was, "Because it's the truest truth I have ever known."

And of course this makes sense. Of course, upon meeting these folks, I was thinking to myself, "Man, I should just do this. What's stopping me?" Of course, I felt the urge to just drop everything and busk my way across the face of the planet. Or hole up in a cave somewhere.

But. But. There is some other voice inside of me that tells me that I would feel unactualized in this sort of life. This other voice tells me that, while travelling and living like a nomad would be incredible, I would not feel like I was doing enough to live up to my potential as a contributing sentient being. Of course, this is not to say that the nomadic life is without its unique challenges, or that these folks do not make an impact on the world around them. They were wonderful, warm people. It's just that I think I wouldn't feel satisfied and fulfilled.

But what do I know? For all I know, this concept of self-actualization through hard work is something that has been drilled into my head so that some capitalist can make money off of me, or because this is the way my parents were raised and so in turn raised me. Yes I feel this way, but why? And yes, I know that travelling for my whole life would be immensely satisfying, but why do I feel that living like a hippie nomad would not be enough for me? Is this just something I'm telling myself to justify my decisions?

I don't know. All I know is that I want success in a fulfilling career, and I want to travel the world and experience everything I can. And so I seek to carve out my middle path, to satisfy these two (opposing? I hope not) aspects of myself. I hope to achieve both goals: to travel and see the world, and to choose a career that allows me to make a positive and significant impact on the world around me.

Instead of dropping everything and living with the nomads in the hills in Grenada, I am returning home to start grad school on Tuesday. I embark on the next leg of my journey, with the world beckoning me like an open hand.

these are not things reserved for someone else's life

I used to be the kind of person that would see other people doing amazing things, and say to myself, "That's what other people do - this is not for me." Things like scuba diving, playing guitar in front of a crowd, travelling for work, living by the sea - these were all things that other people did. I am now making the slow transition to becoming one of those people that says to themself, "What good reason do I have to not go after this?"

Here in Torremolinos, Malaga, my wonderful and warm hosts, Angie and Adrian, live in a gorgeous casita right on the southern coast of Spain. You can literally see the Mediterranean Sea from their terrace. Oh yeah, they have a terrace. It's spectacular. Malaga itself is paradise. It's all whitewashed stucco casas with terracotta roofs, bougainvillea and hibiscus rambling up the walls, sun streaming into every window, the sound of a lively plaza and the crashing of the sea intermingling to create a marvellous symphonic cacophony.

Angie and Adie are all about affirmations. They say that one of the reasons that they've been able to get to this point is because of positive affirmations and channeling intention.

I've always wanted to live by the sea. So now I say to myself, when I settle down, I will live by the sea. I will be able to run into the ocean at a moment's notice just because that oceanic feeling strikes me. And I also say, I will learn other languages to facilitate my movement through and around this amazing world of ours. I will work hard to achieve the things I want.

I will live the life that I once would have looked at and said, that's something other people do.