dropped in the deep end of a new life

Non sum qualis eram. 

I am not as I was.

I am very interested in questions concerning identity. Though I am clearly the same person I was a month ago, in many ways I am now a different person. My days are different, my thoughts are different, the stuff of my very life and mind are different. My way of looking at the world is different. I have always been somewhat unstable during periods of extreme change. However, I feel right now that I am riding this wave rather than being sucked down by it. Perhaps just riding the crest tremulously, but really, there is such a fine, dangerous line between the crest and the deep. And isn't that what makes the wave so exciting? 

I am (cautiously) optimistic about the years to come. Upon returning from my trip, I almost immediately started school, pursuing a Master of Science in Occupational Therapy at U of T. What a whirlwind of a life I lead. I am all too aware of the fact that I have not yet even completed my first week of school, so I am perfectly open to the fact that I may get sucked down by anxiety and despair at any moment. But right now I am just whelmed, and not over-. 

The program is certainly intense - not even the first week is over and the assignments are already rolling in, the profs doling them out with such a casual air. But I am surrounded by bright, vibrant individuals. My goodness, it is wonderful to be back in school. I enjoyed my jobs dearly over the past year, and have enjoyed the working world, but I have always loved school and am happy to be back in this environment. I am so excited to learn. I am most excited about my neuroscience and anatomy course, in which I will get to explore the mysteries of the brain in greater detail (including working with cadavers, albeit in a much more forthright manner than Michaelangelo did, sneaking into chapel morgues to dissect the dead). I will get to learn to assist people in getting back to the lives that they want to live by aiding them in gaining back their ability to participate in the activities that are meaningful to them. Each day I hear more about bright, innovative, and passionate people who love their work, here in Toronto and abroad. 

I wade into the waters of this optimism cautiously. This is foreign to me, one so usually so pessimistic in the name of self-preservation. I can't see below the surface and the ground may drop off below my feet at any given moment, but I trust myself to use all of my strength to keep myself afloat and hold my head above water.